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The
Perfect Cellar - Long & Scientifically Accurate
By John Wocher
A
friend of mine recently sought my advice on the purchase of a
wine cellar, because of two very important criteria. One, I drink
wine, and two, I have a cellar. These criteria being all that
is required for establishing professional credentials, I eagerly
rendered my opinion.
If
you believe the experts that ageworthy wines, with numerous exceptions,
hit their peak in about ten years and can sustain that level for
thirty or more years, than it is criminal negligence for you not
to have a cellar even if you have just one of these wines. Having
established that, the only true debate is capacity.
Capacity
is decided by a two tier theory, based on a consumption of three
bottles per week of white wine, or red wines with a shelf life
of three years or less. Everything else can be mathematically
adjusted within the first tier. White wines should be thought
of as cut flowers, getting worse from the moment they are picked,
and cellaring them akin to placing them in the vegetable crisper.
I disagree with those who say white wines ideally should be consumed
at point of purchase in the store, on the way home, or certainly
as soon as you get home. That idea is a bit extreme. The ratio
of whites to reds will determine the bottle count that is ideal,
but you need a 156 bottle capacity if you are to pull three corks
a week, and replace these wines each week, on average. Now… it
does no good to argue the life expectancy of Chardonnay or Zinfandel,
just drink them all within 36 months, perhaps less for the really
cheap white wines. Sacred cows have no place in the first tier.
It is also important that depending on how many persons sip from
this cellar, the per-week consumption can easily predict the capacity
requirement within this tier. Simplicity is the major reason you
will not see this system offered on CD-ROM.
We
know, of course, that the reason for a wine cellar is not to keep
these tier one wines at the correct temperature and humidity in
a vibration free environment. The reason is to store our precious
tier two wines, the red beauties that will not only improve with
age, but will actually increase in value to the point that we
will feel chest pain while pulling the cork. The fact that a few
white wines can be included, should in no way detract from pursuing
the masculine, chewy, unctuous, jammy, extracted, opaque, viscous…
red wines, the kind that require a dental hygienist appointment
the next day to pumice off the stains. In fact, think of red wines
as men, and white wines as women, just to put it in perspective.
Red wines are muscular and powerful, and white Wines are light,
fruity, and smell of perfume. Red wines increase tremendously
in value and can be sold or auctioned off in a financial crisis,
whereas jewelry can only be melted down and sold by the gram to
thieves. Reds are like weightlifters, improving, and whites are
like cosmetics and are of transient value only. 'Nuff said here.
So…
what is a good capacity for tier two wines? Well, if you just
purchase two cases of first growth Bordeaux a year, you would
need a 240 bottle capacity before you pulled the first cork, based
on a peak of ten years. Everyone knows that two bottles a month
consumption of a first growth Bordeaux is an absolute minimum
for some who actually owns a wine cellar. Added to the adjustable
156 bottle capacity of tier one wines, a minimum capacity of 396
is established. This lets you pull three corks a week from tier
one, and two corks a month from tier two, just by yourself. Adding
magnums, double magnums, 357 magnums, jeraboams, and Imperials
adds another dimension to the equation, but is factored easily
using 750ml or 750cc (whichever you prefer) as a base.
The
above calculations are scientifically derived, so there is no
merit in attacking the logic behind it, whereas the adjustment
variables are based on less than scientific principles. Among
the adjustment variables are friends who drink, members of the
household who drink, and two scientific terms, spillage and ullage.
One can minimize replacement costs of tier one wines by friends
who drink, by requiring they bring their own wine of an equal
or higher price. Never, repeat, never give friends who drink,
any wine from tier two unless they are very close friends, and
then make them promise a two-for-one. Members of the household
who drink can be given a one-for-one option. Spillage is more
obvious than ullage, occuring much more rapidly. In fact sometimes
spillage can take place in a few seconds, where ullage often takes
years. You must factor in the above variables to make adjustments
to the magic number of 396, which can be divided by either 2 or
3 without difficulty. Always lock the cellar and hide the key.
As
with all scientifically derived equations, there is always a word
of caution. In this case it is to be a little generous with your
calculations, as less capacity is more harmful that having too
much capacity. Over capacity in wine cellars is only theoretical,
and has not actually been established. It is a little like the
125cc motorcycle, which quickly outgrows its use, leaving you
to yearn for the 500cc model. If you go directly to the 2000cc
bike, there is no looking backward at what might have been. When
your '96 Petrus arrives this year, and you have to stick it in
the refrigerator because you have no room in your cellar, you
will know exactly what I mean. The junkyard is littered with 125cc
bikes.
My
bottom line advice: Go as big as possible, as early as possible.
Because the economic principle of supply creating demand holds
true for wine cellar space also.
Drink
well!
Copyright
© John Wocher, December, 1999
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